So a year has come and gone, and though no updates in a while, I’m still here and still devastatingly childless. I look back on my first posts with bitterness now. I was so naive, it had honestly not crossed my mind that we would have trouble conceiving, that it would be my partner and I that are in that small percentage that can’t do what so many others can do naturally. I still very much struggle to get my head round the enormity of it all. I have wanted children forever, I always felt that motherhood and raising children would be something that I would be good at, my calling. And yet here I’m am a year on and we are officially infertile. Or in technical terms suffering from ‘a disease of the reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve a clinical pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse’. An appointment from the fertility clinic at the hospital has finally come through for the 5th of November. And I am surprised at my feelings about this. We had to wait the standard year before we could be referred and it means we are potential a step closer to finding out what is wrong and fixing it, so I should be excited and yet i feel worse. I guess it’s what we will encounter on this road, that sadness that we even have to go down this medical, probing, embarrassing route anyway. The appointment came with a fertility questionnaire we have to fill in. Mine is 4 pages long, full of horrible questions about discharge and mucus and lots other things that I don’t want to think about. I know that some women are fine with talking about these things and I understand that they are medical professionals. But Im not, I don’t want everyman and his dog to know the ins and outs of my period and I don’t want whoever to be having a route around down there! I know, I know I would do absolutely anything to get pregnant so I will just man up and deal with it. But I just wish I didn’t have to, it’s not fair doesn’t come close to covering it. There is a growing ball of sadness in the pit of my stomach that I am struggling more and more to keep at bay.
Well it’s official, we are having issues trying to conceive! Yes I’m aware you have probably worked this out already but we made a big step and went to see the doctor and so the horrible fact is out there in the big wide world and on my medical notes. I know it’s a positive step to finding out answers but its also very difficult. We have had to admit that we can’t do it on our own, that we need to be checked for faults. The last month or so I just feel sad all of the time. I have become a stereotype, I hate children, ( difficult as I am a teacher and spend day in day out with a class of 5/6 year olds) my stomach knots whenever I hear about other people’s pregnancy or see an advert about baby products and i constantly feel jealous. I am trying very hard to break this, I force myself to ask questions and chat to mothers and pregnant friends, I hold babies and I throw myself into my job! But I have such a hole and it is a constant battle to keep the green eyed monster at bay. On top of going to the doctors my mum found out. I had only told my sister we were trying, to have someone to talk to. I wasn’t ready for my mum to know, we don’t have a bad relationship but we are very different, especially when it comes to dealing with things. My mum thinks talking is the cure for everything, I am more of a ‘bottle it up’ kinda person. But more then that I wasn’t ready for this to become a ‘thing’ and my mum knowing makes it that.
The doctors wasn’t what I expected. I went in armed with dates and cycle facts and a determination not to except the “come back when it has been a year” fob off. But my partner and I went in, sat down explained we had be trying for 7 months with no success. The doctor said nothing, referred to a text book, asked wether I was having regular periods, gave me a slip, said I needed to come back for a blood test and sent us on our way. I felt very confused, something was happening, they hadn’t laughed at us and said just keep trying but she hadn’t asked anything, what was the blood test for? why hadn’t they booked anything for my OH? When I returned a week later for my blood test it turned out that we had seen a locum, which was a bit of a relief. The nurse explained that this was to check all my baseline hormone levels and it was likely they would want another blood test after I had ovulated. She gave me the name of a doctor who specialises in contraception and fertility, which was really helpful and said to make an appointment with her in a few days to go through the results. It turns out getting an appointment with her is like gold dust so they just took my number and I will be rung when the results are in! As my partner it was suggested we wait till my results are in, to check one person first but we both felt this was wasting time and even if they found an issue with me there could still be probable a with his bits, so against advice he’s made an appointment to see a doctor at the end of the month. He wasn’t able to see the recommended one either but hopefully it doesn’t matter to much as we think its just a case of getting him referred to the hospital so he can go do things in a cup!
So we will wait and see, I am very torn. Obviously I don’t want anything to be wrong with either of us, but if there is nothing, if everything is normal then there is nothing proactive that can be done to help us start a family which is also a horrible thought
Well the 6 month mark of our journey to conceive has passed and met with another heart wrenching visit from AF. It has been the worst month so far. Every time my period arrives my heart sinks but this month I admit I cried like a baby, the build up of all the months of disappointment. It’s my OH birthday tomorrow and rather then being able to give him the best birthday present ever I had to tell I wasn’t pregnant AGAIN. I really love him and all I want is to be able to give him the one thing he wants more than anything. I feel faulty, why aren’t things working? Why am I not pregnant yet? It has been 6 months, 6 months!! I worry that if things haven’t worked so far then maybe they won’t ever. OH suggested that we take a trip to the doctor. I know that normally they won’t do anything till you have been trying for a year unless you are over 35, OH is this but I’m not, so who knows. The last thing I won’t is to get some rubbish to stop trying so hard, or to come back in 6 months. But we will keep trying and hoping. The 1 very small positive of not being pregnant I can still enjoy a glass of wine!
What I wouldn’t give for tender boobs or a bout of thrush right now!!
Last month was another disappointment. I took a pregnancy test on the 12th, which came up negative but of course having taken it before a missed period I allowed myself that small nugget of hope that it was only negative because I had taken it to early. Within an hour the nugget was well and truly smashed as AF arrived early and with a vengeance. I haven’t been early before. Since things have settled down after having my implant out disappointment always strikes on the same day. So after the early goings on mentioned in my last post I think something happened but it didn’t stick.
This has made things worse because I now know that if and when I get pregnant I’m going to know about it, there are symptoms and I have had nothing this month.
Things were feeling better this month, my OH caught me looking at one of the many pregnancy websites now saved in my favourites and asked if I was worried about things and we had a really good talk. I told him all about the symptoms and the hope that they would mean a positive. I haven’t really talked about things with him, not because we don’t talk because I suppose I just took things on myself, wanting things to just happen. It felt good having talked about things, I felt lighter. And although it was hard telling him that I wasn’t pregnant as I felt I had got his hopes up I have been able to obsess about things a little less.
This is our 6 month of trying and to tell you the truth I’m now really struggling with things. This 2WW is the hardest yet. I don’t have any symptoms, I don’t FEEL pregnant.I know it’s going to me another no and it’s not fair. I have looked at lists and lists of early pregnancy signs scouring for something that might mean the opposite and yes I’ve searched ‘ how many women don’t experience any signs’. I don’t want to have to do this. The only thing I have been blessed with is a stinking cold.
I just want to be pregnant. Why is that so much to ask. Everyone else seems to be able to do it. I don’t know what to do know. The doctors won’t do anything until you have been trying for over a year. But I know I’m ovulating, I know we’re having sex at the right time and I can’t take another 6 months of the disappointment, the feeling that I’m failing at something that should come naturally
Sorry a some what depressing and ranty post. Lets put it down to me being ill and not because my 7 years younger brother and his girlfriend have just told us that she is expecting with twins!!
A brilliant blog. Thankyou SunnySide made me stop, take a step back and think about joining you on that sanity road
Originally posted on Two Good Eggs:
We are back on the baby-making train and I’m starting to look at and feel differently towards the whole situation. Last year was ruled by our desire to get pregnant, and if this takes another year or two, I don’t want to look back a see a giant PAUSE in my life. For heaven’s sake, women are fantastic multi-taskers, but why does this endeavor become so encompassing that we seem to achieve so very little otherwise?
We all know that in terms of actual time, trying to conceive is not very burdensome. Most of the things involved take only a matter of minutes to complete. Whether its testing, temping, dosing, or charting, we’re only looking at a few minutes a day. No big deal, right? Sex may or may not fall into this category, but we can probably all agree that three minutes can sometimes feel like forever–for both parties involved. I’m just sayin’.
If the actual process is not very time consuming then why are we so inundated and exhausted? We have created, and fed, this life/faith/time/energy-sucking monster! It is not a necessary inclusion. We think about it ALL the time! We are planning, researching, comparing, judging, googling, testing, questioning, recovering, preparing, and reading way too much, in my opinion. This is where the whole damn thing gets ugly. A good friend of mine often says, “over-analysis is paralysis,” and I believe I have paralyzed myself over the last year. Rarely a thought pops into my head that does not involve or lead to thoughts of a pregnancy or baby. Does all this extra time lead to better results in the end? Maybe. Perhaps, we are more educated, more in tune with our bodies and partners, and more understanding of others who similarly struggle. However, I believe the negative impacts outweigh the positive here. I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of beating myself up, questioning my every move, acting/thinking selfishly, and doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result. Isn’t that the definition if insanity? Aha! That’s what I’ve become. Insane. And I hate it.
I feel I am in need of the ghostbusters, there are some very strange goings on in my neighbourhood!
You have probably guessed from the lack of blog, last month was not my month. I found it really hard. I mopped, I sulked, I despaired. I couldn’t deal with the whole TTC taking over my every thought. The constant counting up and counting down, checking and rechecking dates. And then I read sunnyside’s blog Destination: Sanity (will reblog) and started to change how I looked at the whole conception thing. I shouldn’t be fretting about this so much. I need to enjoy this part of my baby free life with the continued excuse to do the baby dance, I need to stop date checking and early test taking and relax or if not I’m going to head Inge straight for a funny farm with my stress levels through the roof and that’s not going to help baby making at all. So without date checking we have made an effort to have sex every other day and just enjoy it, and it has been very enjoyable ;0)
But back to the strange goings on. On the 30th Jan I got my first very clear LH surge. Using the leftover sticks from last months clear blue digital ovulation test I tested on days 14-16 and day 15 I got the lovely smiley face AND 2 very clear lines once I took the stick out. I also got my very first ovulation pain that day, a dull ache that lasted a couple of hours. Now it could be that I am just much more in tune with things now and notice things more but I have never felt this before.
Last night I noticed I had a itchy rash, a bit like a heat rash on my tummy that had come out of nowhere. Now this could be completely unrelated and I haven’t found very much about it on the net but thought I would put it all down. The next bit comes with a TMI warning ( look at me using all the acronyms :0) ) this morning I went to the loo and found bright red blood on the tissue. It was to early for AF. I have been as clockwork since things have settled down after having my implant removed. My heart dropped and I thought the worst, that things had had finally worked but that I had now lost the first signs of a little life. I dragged myself into work finding time to have a quick Internet search a few hours later. I then read about implantation bleeding. Now I don’t fit the norm, I’m on DPO 5, generally it’s between days 6 and 10 and usually the blood is dark but something is definitely going on down there. It’s to early to test and I have sworn that I am not testing till that 14th at the earliest. Yes I do know what day that is and yes I have thought what an amazing, priceless valentines gift it would be if I got a positive. On top of that I had a dull campy like pain all day.
So yeah it’s all new and different and I don’t really know what’s going on. But a little bit of me thinks its all looking a bit on the pink side. Either way we will have to wait and see and I will try my hardest not to count down the days till I can find out.
So for a spilt second I thought I was normal. I made a renewed effort tracking my ovulation this month using an ovulation kit. After the confusion of the lines last time, see surging confusion, I decided to go for a digital one, lik clear blue, even I can’t miss ready a circle or a smiley face. I only went for a 7 day kit this time, 20+ days of negatives is hugely depressing. I scored the inherent for ovulation calendars to work out the best time to start testing these are my favourites
This one is good because it uses your last 3 periods to determine your cycle length
I like this one because it also gives you a due date!!
They were all slightly different but I starting testing on day 13. This time round I did the test first thing in the morning so that I hadn’t drunk in over 4 hours.
Lo and behold on day 14 I got the lovely smiley face beaming at me and immediately jumped back into bed and consequently onto my partner before he had probably even opened his eyes.
I’ll tell you a secret, I made sure I stayed in bed for a while after and even, though I swore I wouldn’t
When my partner had got up. I turned round, bum on pillow legs in air against the wall. Thank god he didn’t come back in because I looked redicisulous, but if it helps then blow it. You see I really want this month to be the one, really really. I’m done waiting. It would be great timing with work
So for a small while, while on my back my legs reaching to the heavens, I felt positive, I had done all I could and things had worked but then I had to go look on the Internet.
Eventually I thought I should actually get up and went to take a photo of my stick for the blog. Now the smiley only stays for about 8 minutes on the digital test, so I pulled the stick out to see the lines and then search for a smiley online. Although digital if you pull the pee stick it has the same blue lines you See on all ovulation test, 1 test line 2 lines for a positive result. Thinking that I would see 2 very clear, very thick blue lines, as I had got a positive result, I was a bit shocked to see only a faint 2 line that looked like the ink had slightly bled. And then I saw this that really made my heart sink deeper, Not happy with Clear Blue
Looking back at the sticks now the ‘positive’ one no longer looks like the ink has bled but the second line is very faint
I tried to push the thoughts away, telling myself that ifi got a positive result the next day as generally your LH surge lasts 2 days. But yup you’ve guessed it the next dy I had the negative circle.
So who knows now, it doesn’t make much different we made love when we should but would have nice to have gone through the month thinking things were on track, rather then the horrible sense or uncertainty that you have missed those precious fertile days etc.
So again it’s that horrible wait, and it’s all I think about. Checking and rechecking the calender and counting cycle dates. And trying to work just how early I can take a pregnancy test. And thinking if it is negative, what is it I can do differently next time to get things right.
Blog readers I need your help! I can’t tell if I have a positive LH surge result or not. Have been peeing on the sticks for what seems forever and every time, as I have said before, all I have been getting is the single test line. Yesterday I happened to glance into the bin and there looking at me was my stick from Saturday with 2 lines on it! Yup 2 lines, they hadn’t been there when I bunged it in there with all the others but there it was. Ok so I hadn’t waited the stated 5 minutes assuming that if 2 lines were going to appear they would at the same time. Since then I have waited and the next 2 have got 2 lines but I just can’t tell if they count or not, I’m pretty sure they are negative as they are the same shade but would love a second opinion. I have the added complication that on Saturday, CD 17, I accidentally left the packet open so now don’t now if the following 2 are showing 2 lines because they are faulty! Arr
So I’ve been peeing on the sticks since about the 16th Oct and day 14 of my cycle has come and gone and still all I have is the thick single pink line of no LH surge The first time I sat there for ages waiting for something to show only to realise I was looking at the wrong side!! I have followed the instructions carefully always doing it around the same time, just before I go to bed, so that if I do get the LH go ahead I can act on it and promptly pounce on my other half. It’s all very serious making sure the box it’s complexity sealed up after you have removed one and using it within 30 days. I’m using First Response’s month kit there is a stick for everyday, not great for the landfill but it was the only one at the time that they had at the time. I’m beginning to think that I’m never going to see the 2 lines, that I’m not going to ovulate this month . My last period wasn’t a normal one, late and short, so maybe things still haven’t settled down since having the implant out. Maybe this won’t ever happen , I’m only on the ovulating stage then the little swimmers have got to find the dam thing, there is still so many stages to go, so many bits where things go wrong and we don’t conceive I don’t want to wait any longer.
Well the monthly visitor is FINALLY here. It’s ridiculous not that long ago I wanted nothing less then to have my period now I’m relieved and quite happy to see it. A little tiny part of me hoped it wouldn’t come and that my test was wrong but deep down I know that was ridiculous, now though I can get back on the baby making path. I’ve got my ovulation test at the ready and am hoping beyond hope this month will be THE month. It’s been a toughy, this whole off the Implant thing has been rubbish. I have been all over the place emotion wise, feeling like I’m going to burst into tears one minute and really crabby the next, am really hoping things will calm down. So it’s back to playing the waiting game but this time with a lot more peeing on sticks